So, another birthday, Nick.

I’ve looked back over my previous posts at the journey we’ve taken since you died. At least I can write the word ‘died’ now without it tearing me apart.  It has been one hell of a journey and although I know we’ve not finished yet, I can see that I’ve made progress. I can see I’m in a different place now. Life is becoming calmer, more settled and I have hope in my heart again. I’ve still been travelling as extensively as possible. It seems to be my thing… for now.

I think I’m coming to a place where I can understand what has happened. Not that I like it but I can accept that it is final  now and want to find a place of peace where I can live… not the life I thought I’d have, but one which will be ok. Everyone goes at their own pace. It can’t be forced, nor can you be made to feel you should be ‘over it’ by now because it fits someone else’s agenda. It takes as long as it takes for each individual. You just have to keep plodding on, finding some way to take those steps, even when it feels as though you have gone backwards. Nobody knows what this is like until it happens to them.

You don’t get better from grief; you just get better at dealing with it. The void in my heart where Nick should be will always be there, I’m just growing around it rather than getting over it, and I’m finding new ways to get through. Triggers can still blow through me, causing me to crumble and tears to fall but they are not so frequent nor so intense. I’ve weaned myself off the antidepressants and feel more able to cope. Mind you, it’s not all roses, anxiety can still rear its ugly head at times but I’m learning to curb the negative thoughts and find the positive in things again. I am blessed, I have an amazing, loving family and supportive friends who have stuck by me through this all. Not everyone knows the comfort this can bring. So yes, I am blessed.

Moving has been the biggest positive for me. It doesn’t work for everyone but it does for me. I love my house on the hill. I’m excited to watch it take shape into the home I want but instead of my heart sinking whenever I went home to Kitley Lodge, I now look forward to coming home here. Even in the crisp mornings with the frost on the ground as far as the eye can see or those times when I wake up and the fog is so thick around us we could be on our own island, the only house in the world.

So just to update you, I’ve been out and about… just a tad.

I’ve had a few adventures I’d rather not have had. Two episodes of punctures on motorways. Time to get myself a more reliable car, with a spare tyre!!!.

I’ve cycled…

Swam…

Climbed…

Indulged…

Explored…

Kayaked…

Zip wired…

Sailed…

Walked…

Surfed…

Been tattooed…again…

Planted…

Wrote… and ultimately laughed a lot.

At times it was tiring…

And now we’ve made it through another year and it is your birthday and Christmas. For the first time in four years, I’m once again looking forward to Christmas. It was always such a happy time for us, with you cooking and us clearing, amongst all the happy chaos. Life feels hopeful again and I am looking forward to going into 2022, whatever it brings. And that’s good enough, eh?

So, happy birthday my darling. I said at your funeral I couldn’t say goodbye to you…I still can’t and know I never will, but goodnight is good enough for now.

Love Teresa x

PS, I still can’t bring myself to write Christmas cards so apologise for not sending any, thank you for those I’ve received.

Sending love to all who read this, wishing you peace, health, and happiness for the year ahead.