Dear Nick

Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep, I wander in my mind through Kitley Lodge, looking for you. I always find you, either stretched out in the lounge, glasses on your forehead doing the cryptic crossword, or upstairs in your office, swivelling in the chair while you talk to a client. If by chance you’re not there, I go back downstairs, past all the black and white family photographs hanging on the wall, through to the kitchen with its smell of coffee, fridge gently humming, skirt round the dining table, weekend papers laid out to be read and out into the garden. I know if I can’t immediately see you pottering in your shed, you’ll be tending the raised beds. I have many places to look and …

 I always find you.

When I reflect on my old life with you, it feels like a story that happened to someone else. Yes, there are bits that are so familiar but now my life has changed so much, and you have never been in it. I can never show you the new home I am creating, tell you of all my travels and adventures or share the joy of watching our chicks find their paths in life.  At first, I found it upsetting but now I take comfort in the knowledge you are tucked away within me and, if I look hard enough, you are there. You were my rock and I’m still holding on to you but now with one hand, rather than clinging desperately gasping for breath. Sometimes this overwhelms me with sadness, but I am thankful that I have so many memories of happy times to draw from. These are the things that sustain me.

I wasn’t sure what to write this sixth anniversary of your death. Life is busy, yes, I find that works for me. I still have good days and not-so-good days, but I don’t beat myself up about them anymore but ride through them, as Tom Hanks says, ‘ This too shall pass.’ Looking back through my previous posts I can see the intensity of my grief has diminished. I AM learning to live with it. In a way that honours the life we had together but also allows me to live my remaining years peacefully and happily. Life is hard enough to navigate, I don’t need to make it any harder for myself.

So I will keep on, keeping on, my love…

Teresa x