Dearest Nick

So, here we are…

5 years…

It still seems absolutely bonkers to me that it can be that long. I’ve looked back at previous posts and I was asking the same question after two years. But is it really a long time? People still say it’s not been long but think of 5 years in terms of a life. It’s the first 5 of a child’s before they go to school, and that seems to be ages. They go through so many stages, learn so many new skills and have so many experiences. On the other hand Terry Waite was held hostage for nearly 5 years, 4 of them in solitary confinement. I can’t imagine how that felt. If someone says to you they’re not going to see you for 5 years, it seems… forever. Think five years from now and although it seems a long time, those of us lucky enough to get to the grey age know that it’s a dichotomy, a year passes so swiftly.

Like a child I have also been through stages and had many experiences in the last five years, but whenever I’m stuck and having a bad day I like to think of this quote by  Hunter S Thompson…

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”

So, with that in mind I decided to tell you about what I have achieved in 5 years. Even I can see the change in me from reading my previous posts, if nothing else. That first year after you died, I was so distraught I couldn’t function. I was numb and on autopilot. I still have days when I feel on autopilot but it’s not so debilitating as then. I know that it will pass and to ease up and be kind to myself and do something that brings me joy.

In five years…

I’ve closed the company and retired. Retirement is a strange thing which definitely needs adjusting too. When you’re used to a routine to your day, be it work or school term times, to be let loose with the whole day at your disposal takes a little getting used to. You had a purpose, and now it feels like allowing yourself to be on holiday all the time. Great you might think, but a little hedonistic. Coupled with an empty nest, it has been vital to attempt to get some structure to my life. I see it as an ongoing project rather than a quick fix.

I’ve written three quarters of one book and a third of another. (I know, I hear you say, just finish one at a time), but I took a writing course with Curtis Brown again and had to write material for that and, as is usual with me, those characters pulled me in. It has made me think differently about the first manuscript so, as they say, nothing is wasted. I will soon end up with 2 new novels.

I’ve moved lock, stock and barrel to a new area and started renovating my new home. The clearing out of ‘stuff’ was cathartic and I know from sorting out my mother’s belongings when she died, if there’s something you can’t let go off today, just put it aside and look at it another day. I’m still ‘letting things go’ now and have a subscription at the local tip. On the renovating side, the bathrooms are up and my new bedroom only needs decorating so it will be a Christmas present to myself to move in there. Meanwhile phase 2 is starting and I may have a new kitchen as an extra present.

I’ve travelled extensively – Spain, Italy, Bali, Barbados, Jamaica, Antigua, Iceland, France and Turkey as well as the UK, even with a pandemic for 2 of those years. Travelling is still my escape.

I’ve learnt to surf (still my own style,  of course)  – skied, walked, cycled, kayaked and tried my hand at paddleboarding. I’ve joined the local tennis club and get to a yoga class when I’m at home.

There have been a few recent bereavements to people I know. It has made me think of those involved. It is so, so hard to lose a loved one. The first moments, days and weeks can pass in such a fog you feel you are going crazy. I don’t want to sugar coat it five years on, that it will all be ok and rosy, because there are still so many moments of my day that Nick comes to mind. Sometimes I can smile at a memory but often I still get stabbed in the heart with the hurt of the loss… but I can get on again.  I know it will pass and life will settle once more. My advice to anyone experiencing a bereavement is to just keep going, at your own pace and in your own way. Somehow you have to find your way through. The brain fog will become clearer with little glimmers of hope on the horizon. It may take medication, therapy or you may just need the support of your family and friends, but nobody is walking in your shoes. Nobody can do anything to take the pain away but they can walk beside you to hold you up when you stumble.

The ‘kids’ and I managed a few days together recently when Ellie returned from Canada for a whistle stop tour of the UK. So, to end this on a high note, here is what makes me happiest.

I know I’ll still be saying ‘6 years, how can it be?’ next year but meanwhile I have a few trips to take, decorating to do and books to write. Oh… and don’t forget those waves to catch!

Love

Teresa x