I think I’ve been dropped onto a disaster movie set. I’m mid way through my training as cabin crew and this is the practical safety part. I’d heard whispers from the other recruits about how exciting this would be so am prepared to be thrilled to bits. It’s got to be better than the endless mock-up scenarios we’ve endured. The first week of the training was residential. We were closeted together in a hotel for six whole days and nights; to see what cat fights would break out amongst the girls? There are only three stewards on our course. Not sure what that signifies at the moment but as none of them are eye candy I can’t see any mud wrestling ahead for the chance to partner one of them on the other side of the trolley. Only on our second day we were dispersed to various airports around Europe. After a lovely jolly to Amsterdam, I’m hoping the fact that my partner and I missed our flight home won’t mean a black mark against our names nor be an indication of what is to come. Aghhh….

    Much of this training course has consisted of role play. They obviously saw that I was a closet actress bursting to tread the boards and would never make the Royal Shakespeare Company so took pity on me. I  have pretended to be amongst other things an angry passenger so my partner can learn to pacify me, [basically ,you just smile, empathise and shut up, they work on the theory that it takes two to argue, they should try telling Matt, my boyfriend that.] I have a training manual that needs a chauffeur, like a politician’s red box just to transport it, I can hold a tray of ‘chicken or beef sir’ plus extra peanuts for the passenger in 39K and my hat sits at just the right jaunty angle to look professional but not pudding bowlish when I swish through the airport terminal. If I spill the entire contents of the coffee pot over a passenger in turbulence, instead of squealing and rushing to the loo in embarrassment, I can deal with it. Smiling all the time of course!

    The hangar has half of various kinds of aircraft in situ hanging off the walls. We are led towards the 747 and surreally we walk up the stairs behind and enter the ‘aircraft’. Like lambs to the slaughter we find our seats and sit patiently. There is a mixture of experienced and new crew, as to pass this test is an annual requirement for everyone. Then the trainers arrive and at random we are chosen to play the role of the cabin crew or passengers.
Pick a disaster, any disaster and they can simulate it from their control desk. Bit like a mixture of ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and ‘Airport,’ anything can happen. I sit down. Please God don’t let them pick me. I keep my head down. Please don’t pick me. Don’t let me be the one to let everyone die. I get a reprieve the first time and am to play the part of a passenger. I decide against demanding a blanket, drink and playing with my seat back. Perhaps not the moment to be juvenile. The cabin starts to fill with smoke. My hands start sweating. Lordy, it’s only a mock up. I give myself a stiff talking to. Smoke begins to fill the immediate area and I can see the ‘crew’ fumbling to retrieve a fire extinguisher and rushing about. Someone barks at me to leave my seat and make my way to the open doors. This is more like it. Time to play. I am ten again and standing at the top of the biggest yellow slide I’ve ever seen as the aircraft chute unfolds before me. I jump out, arms folded across my body. I am the perfect passenger. No stilettos to pierce anything, no manic scrabbling to save my duty free and no sitting down on the lip of the chute to take it gently as though I’m at the local park. But I leap with such enthusiasm, if it wasn’t for the mattress stuck to the wall at the end, I’d have broken limbs I go so fast. I climb the steps to the aircraft again. We’re debriefed.  The previous ‘crew’ forgot to turn up the cabin lighting so that they could see the fire. Tut, tut. I’m picked to play crew. This time round, it’s an emergency landing complete with flash lighting and sound effects. I don’t know if we are on fire or broken in two, three or millions of pieces. I’m seated behind the passengers at the rear door. This is my moment. I must wait until the captain announces which doors to evacuate from in case there is a hazard outside I don’t know about.  And… action!
Aghh. Nothing comes over the intercom system. I wait… The trainer looks at me. The captain hasn’t announced that we should open the doors. Do I wait and we’ll all burn to death or do I use my initiative and start shouting at everyone to evacuate? Evacuate. That’s what I’ll do. The captain might be knocked unconscious up there. They wouldn’t be able to write about my heroic antics if I wait too long for him to give the commands and we’re all burnt to a cinder. I look through the window. Nope. Nothing hazardous that I can see. I heave open the aircraft door and bark orders at everyone. Blimey. I hope they move quicker than this in a real emergency. I’m supposed to be the last one off after checking the cabin is clear. I’ll be toast if they dawdle like this. The power goes to my head.
‘Jump! Jump!’ I shout at them and start pushing them off. ‘No, don’t sit down. Jump!’
A stewardess cowers at the back.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she offers. Pregnant or not, sorry lady you will be a goner if I leave you behind. Is she pregnant for real or is she a ringer just to test me? Her face is pale but I can’t see an obvious bump.  Could I have the guilt of making her miscarry if she is really expecting?  The trainer barks at me to clear the cabin.  She stands screeching at me not to force her to jump as I pull her towards the door. I have to decide. Me or her. I leave her to her mock death and save myself. Perhaps they could leave that bit out in the news article?
Love Suzi x              

                       (More adventures of Suzi on the blog on my website http://www.teresahamilton.co.uk/blog.html